the last couple years have been really difficult for me. after attending college for a few months, i realized that my high school did not prepare me for a four year university, academically speaking.
after questioning the relationship i was in, i decided to take a break with him. he did not feel the same, but only after three weeks of not speaking and not seeing each other, i knew i could not live without him; i needed him to be a part of my life, the most important part.
after i begged him to take me back, things were never the same. i felt he was always sneaking around, he started disrespecting me in ways i didn't know he could. he started talking to other girls behind my back, and trying to hide it, like i was so naive and stupid. i found naked pictures of a girl we went to high school with on his computer, and very graphic text messages on his cell phone; i wasn't snooping for anything, the pictures appeared when i was saving a picture of me, as a joke, to save as his background. the texts appeared when i picked his phone up to check the time when we were at the lake and the texts had just come through, so he hadn't seen them yet. trying to be as forgiving as i could, i tried to forgive and move on, but forgetting is easier said than done. he continued to skirt around behind my back with his friends and other girls. and the same girl from the pictures and the texts.
i had had enough and was to my breaking point. i felt worthless, useless, dirt cheap, used, unwanted... like everyone around me would benefit from my absence.
we broke up indefinitely. and he continues to tell me he needs me in his life and he wants me in his life, but he is still blowing me off for his friends and other girls. i promised i would never leave him again, and he promised he would never break my heart. but he does every. single. day. i don't know what to do anymore. there is something between us i just can't give up on. i sound so clingy, but i'm not. i genuinely care about him, love him, when i am with him i believe i am still in love with him.
hopefully he will grow up in the next couple years and realize that staying out with his friends until 5 in the morning and running around doing illegal and stupid stuff is for 16 year olds. he was more mature when we were 16 than he is now. i hate to say that he is so malleable by his friends, but last summer and this summer have truly proved that he follows in their footsteps.
all i can feel right now is anger and spite... did i waste 4 years of my life? i can't trust anyone like i could before all of his bullshit.
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