Spring-Fall 2012

     

    Jan. 2012- family vacation to Riviera Maya, Mexico. about 45 minutes south of Cancun. We went swimming with the dolphins, snorkeled, parasailing and deep sea fishing. oh, and I met a french boy at our resort. BEST vacation I have ever had. not because it was all inclusive and i was drunk 90 percent of the time, but because it was quality time with my parents. We returned to Missouri with snow on the ground. The next week I returned to school, and Mom started her Chemo pills.

     February-May2012 = big blur. Got a job at QT. Realized Tyler has not changed. Start playing spring coed softball. Accepted to UMKC as a pre-nursing major. 

     May-August 2012- another blur. worked all summer at QT, went to Springfield and partied a couple times. Met a really sweet southern boy that I like. a lot.... took a summer class, graduated with my associates. In June, Mom's MRI shows that the tumor in mom's hip has regressed significantly. Doctor tells her to take a break from the chemo pills, come back for another MRI in 3 months. 

     August-September 2012- Started attending UMKC. love it. miss MSU, but this will do for now. I've met some pretty cool people, I'm starting to fit in. Mom's tumor is completely gone. Just has to go get MRI's every three months... Still talking to that boy from Springfield. He's the sweetest boy I have ever met. I can't wait to see him this weekend. 

Since Last Year....

Since my last post, many things have changed. shocker. haha. Where to begin?

Fall/Winter 2011-

   Aug, 2011- started attending MCC (all of the campuses). 

   Sept. 2011- Met my good friend Kimberly. Found out my dog, Blaze, had serious degeneration in his hips and a possible tumor in his left hip.. So like the dog-loving family we are, we considered all options to help him. We ended up taking him to a vet in Waldo where they do acupuncture therapy. It ended up helping Blaze more than we thought, we were beginning to be hopeful. Then he started losing weight and afraid to go down the back stairs to go outside... 

   Oct 2011- drunkfest. had way too much fun going out with my friends in September and October. October 13th was Blaze's 11th birthday. I went to Three Dog Bakery on the Plaza and got him some yummy treats... Started talking to Tyler again. Got mad at and hurt by him (again). Stopped talking to Tyler. 

    Nov. 2011- Sun 11/12/11 noticed that Blaze was limping again, and would not put weight on his bad leg at all. Took him to the vet the next day (mon 11/13). He had broken his femur, we had to leave him at the vet overnight. Tuesday 11/14 the vet called us back and told us that we could amputate his bad leg at the femoral head as long as he had no lesions in his lungs or further up the spine and that this would require a full body scan. So we said ok. At this point, we just wanted him to be comfortable. Wednesday, November 15th, 2011. my 21st birthday. At 4pm we get a call from the vet. His cancer was spreading up the spine into his brain. There was no point in surgery because we couldn't guarantee he we would live another 3 months with brain cancer. We put my 11-year-old dog to sleep on my 21st birthday. He was my 10th birthday present. I get a job at bath and body works in lee's summit.

     Dec. 2011- The week after Thanksgiving, Mom goes to the doctor she had been seeing for her hip, she thinks she pulled a muscle. They schedule an X-ray and an MRI. Cancer. I quit my job at bath and body works, while Dad plans a vacation to Mexico for the first of January. December 26th, 2011. Tyler texts me and asks to see me. Apologizes and cries in my arms. I take him back. 

broken promises

the last couple years have been really difficult for me. after attending college for a few months, i realized that my high school did not prepare me for a four year university, academically speaking. 

after questioning the relationship i was in, i decided to take a break with him. he did not feel the same, but only after three weeks of not speaking and not seeing each other, i knew i could not live without him; i needed him to be a part of my life, the most important part. 

after i begged him to take me back, things were never the same. i felt he was always sneaking around, he started disrespecting me in ways i didn't know he could. he started talking to other girls behind my back, and trying to hide it, like i was so naive and stupid. i found naked pictures of a girl we went to high school with on his computer, and very graphic text messages on his cell phone; i wasn't snooping for anything, the pictures appeared when i was saving a picture of me, as a joke, to save as his background. the texts appeared when i picked his phone up to check the time when we were at the lake and the texts had just come through, so he hadn't seen them yet. trying to be as forgiving as i could, i tried to forgive and move on, but forgetting is easier said than done. he continued to skirt around behind my back with his friends and other girls. and the same girl from the pictures and the texts. 

i had had enough and was to my breaking point. i felt worthless, useless, dirt cheap, used, unwanted... like everyone around me would benefit from my absence.

we broke up indefinitely. and he continues to tell me he needs me in his life and he wants me in his life, but he is still blowing me off for his friends and other girls. i promised i would never leave him again, and he promised he would never break my heart. but he does every. single. day. i don't know what to do anymore. there is something between us i just can't give up on. i sound so clingy, but i'm not. i genuinely care about him, love him, when i am with him i believe i am still in love with him. 

hopefully he will grow up in the next couple years and realize that staying out with his friends until 5 in the morning and running around doing illegal and stupid stuff is for 16 year olds. he was more mature when we were 16 than he is now. i hate to say that he is so malleable by his friends, but last summer and this summer have truly proved that he follows in their footsteps. 

all i can feel right now is anger and spite... did i waste 4 years of my life? i can't trust anyone like i could before all of his bullshit.